A love affair

Alright, I confess...I'm in love...It's a great an amazing love that leaves me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I think about my love all the time. I can hardly comprehend life without them.

This love is so rich and pleasant. I love the feeling get whenever I'm with my love...

Of course this love comes with a price. It is costly to keep this affair going. My checkbook suffers sometimes because of my insatiable appetite for love.

Not to mention the physical traits that are altered from love. Sheesh...but sometimes it's worth it...this love cannot be denied...

Oh my love, our countless midnight meetings...I taste you on my lips...

my darling precious...

Chocolate...

Thinking:

I'm sitting here, at one thirty in the morning, "Monk" is on the television and a half-filled page is type up...I need to finish my paper by ten this morning. Talk about tiring...But that's a great thing I suppose. To be able to work and progress in my schooling is wonderful....

Sometimes I feel as though I'll never make it through school. I know there are people out there who believe the same thing as well. There is always so much opposition and people trying to bring out down, sometimes it gets overwhelming and I begin to feel bogged down.

But then I try to remember the reason why I'm doing this. And it boils down to the fact that I know that it is worth it. The sleepless nights, the endless studying and the moments where I just feel so overwhelmed that I want to grab a pillow and scream, I know that it will be worth it.

My kids will thank me one day. I'll be happy with my accomplishment and I know that the Lord will help me get through things.

I just need to trust.

Family Photos

Well, we were fortunate enough this last weekend to have our family photos taken! And I'm so excited to see them today. They are amazing and wonderful and I love them...though I'm overly critical of how I look in them...stupid I know but anyway....

Rachelle is the one who did our photos. Her price was $40! Talk about an amazing deal! We simply couldn't pass up such an opportunity. And we are so excited with how they look. I will make sure to update my blog pictures for you to enjoy!

And if anyone is interested in seeking her out for pictures, you can either call her or e-mail. She's really good about responding quickly.

Here's her blog: lareephotography.blogspot.com

Thanks again Rachelle!

Les Miserables

Alright I'll admit something to you guys: I've never seen nor read "Les Miserables." Sad to say right? Well I'm saying it. I'm admitting that I've never been exposed to this piece of literature and music.

Until today that is.

And man, what an amazing thing it is!

Jonathan rented the 25th edition concert of the play from redbox and we sat down to watch it. And though it wasn't the complete play, the concert ran through the music in such away that you undersand the story and you find yourself enraptured with the developing story.

All I can say now is that I really need to read the book and go see the actual musical.

Agreed?

Oh! But something funny before I go: one of the characters in this concert was a Jonas brother (the first thing I noticed actually). Is it sad that I noticed that?

Girls Night

Tonight I had the ability (thanks to my saint of a husband) to go and see a friend of mine, Darby. This was a wonderful experience and one that I think I was in sore need of.

We started the evening at Miracle Bowl where we bowled two games...I may have been slaughtered horrendously, but oh well. And after that we went back to Darby's wonderful apartment where we made yummy fondue and then proceeded to devous said chocolate yumminess while watch "Stardust" It was wonderful.

It was also fun to get to know some of Darby's in-laws. They were so much fun to be around and I had a great time! I hope that we can spend more time together.

But, I did miss my little ones :) and my husband of course.

A Confession to you...

I'm apologizing, first and foremost, for not updating when i said I would. But can I just offer a simple explaination as to why this did not happen?


You see these last few weeks have been tiring for me, both physically andmentally. I've felt at my wits end trying to figure everything out and to get through with all the things that I've needed to do. And these last few days in particular have really taken it out of me. I've had so many different emotions running through my head that it's been hard to focus and feel determined to get anything done.

A couple days ago I was sitting in one of my classes and I just kept thinking about how frustrated I was and how I felt as though I wasn't doing anything worth while. I felt as though all my hard work was falling by the wayside and I was simply stuck in the same place and would remain there forever. This thought upset me of course and I began to become discouraged. And as the hours ticked by the feeling began to overwhelm me until I was completely in tears. It was a terrible feeling and great moment of weakness for me.

I figured that I was just being emotional and that a good night sleep would help calm me. Unfortunately it did not. In fact, I felt even more hopeless and useless than I had the previous day. This did not bode well for me. I began to wonder why I was even trying and why I even felt that I was important in the first place...talk about a stupid thing to do right? So long story short: another crummy day.

Today didn't start much better either, but as I was sitting in an English lecture I kept thinking about why I love writing and why I love my family and why I am here. And you know what? The answers were simple and they rang true: I love writing because it frees me. It makes me happy. It allows me to create something beautiful. I love my family because they are treasures. They bring me joy and fill my life with such sweet memories...I couldn't give them up for anything on this earth. And why am I here? Well I don't really know the answer to that just yet...but I know that I'm here for a reason. I'm not useless and I'm not a mistake. I was meant to be who I am. I was meant to be here...and I was meant to do something with my life
What a difference those thoughts have made! My spirit has been brightened considerably and I am grateful for the reprieve from sadness and despair. I don't like feeling that way, but sometiimes the pressure builds and you find yourself falling apart. And that's when I need to rely on Christ the most...and sometimes I forget that...I think we all forget that.

He can heal anything. Christ, above all others, knows our hearts. He loves us. He loves me. I know I don't always recognize it...call it a human lack of perception, but it is the truth. And I've got to start appreciating Christ's love for me more and accepting his help when I truly do need it. He'll always be there for me.
So, I apologize for not having posted sooner...life was hectic...but I will be more diligent in getting things written for you. I hope that there's someone out there who reads my blog and enjoys what they find here.

Until next time then,

Day 24: Blogging Fail

Yep I missed a few days...I know I know...I made a promise that I would write every day, but I do have an excuse for why I didn't post anything the last two days. One of the reasons was that I was out of town and simply didn't have the ability to write while driving. And when I got home, I wasn't feel too well and just fell asleep instantly.

I will however tell you the funny story that I was trying to post about the other day but was unable to do so. Now my brother J, came in from visitng with his friends. He walked in and stated in an excited voice, "you'll never believe this! There's a cat on the highest roof!" Now if you must understand that my parents' house is rather large and their top most roof is incredibly tall, and so to see a cat up there is quite the sight! And of course when my brother B heard this, he decided to go investigate. And what ended up happening was that they both went back outside and were throwing rocks at the creature, when suddenly it spread it wings and took off. It was then that they realized that the animal was not in fact a cat, but an owl.

Now if that doesn't get you laughing, I'm sure this story will: As I sat down that night trying to write about what had happened to my brothers, I was getting so drowsy. At one point I must have fallen asleep because I woke up quite suddenly. Thinking I had posted on my blog I fell back asleep until later in the morning. As I got up the next day I checked my blogspot and realized that I had not, in fact posted my blog. Feeling rather stupid, I decided to post my blog anyway after I determined what else I wanted to write about my day. As I started reading I noticed that at one point I was talking about my brothers and then I started talking about giant tarantulas. Apparently I was writing in my sleep because I can't recall having written anything of the sort...

Yeah, I thought you'd get a kick out of that...

Day 21: Visiting!

Welp, I'm down here in Kanab visiting my family. And I must say this is a lot of fun. I've missed seeing my parents and it's so nice to be able to talk to my siblings. Ben and I have spent several hours talking about how he's excited to go on his mission. He just got his papers in and is anxious to hear back about where he is going to go preach the gospel. And I must confess that I'm anxious as well! It's so exciting!

The kids are also really excited to be down here. Hannah has done nothing but talk about her "gamma" and her "ashie." She absolutely loves them. And Liam is excited to be able to explore such a big place and get into all sorts of stuff! It's been fun.

One thing that would make this trip better is if Jonathan were here. I miss him. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to come down with us and I really miss talking to him. He's my sweetheart and I couldn't imagine a world without him in it.

Overall this weekend is starting on a happy note!

Day 20: Visiting

I"m excited to say that I'm going to see my daddy tomorrow! He's home and I'm excited to go and visit him. He hasn't met Hudson yet, but He will soon enough. Also, a great thing happened for me this week. I've been so stressed with the tight schedule that I have been given for all of my assignments, but thankfully because of my professor's own hectic schedule, he's reassigned the due day to next week. That gives me a a bit more time to get things all organzied and written...or at  least that's what I hope happens!

Day 19: Exercising

After having a baby, let's face it, our bodies are not as perfect as they used to be. For most women that is...there are some who are able to shrink back down to pre-pregnancy size without any trouble. But for me, it takes a few months. So I've decided to start exercising each day to help aid in that process. This may seem a little difficult considering I have 3 small children at home and not much time to myself. Conveniently I've found this website that has some free exercise videos. I've started doing this workout routine that ends up in me walking 2 miles in half an hour. It's quite the heart rate workout and I'm enjoying it.

Day 18: Being A Writer; Finding Deeper Meaning

Lately, as I've been doing research and analysis papers for my English classes, I've wondered whether or not my novel has a deeper meaning. I've been studying Milton's works, especially "Paradise Lost," and I've noticed that there are so many deeper meanings that can be gleaned from reading his works. And I think that's the mark of a truly great writer: to have meaning beyond the simple plain textual reading. I wonder if I'm achieving that with my novel. Will people read my works and try to delve deeper into the story in order to understand some hidden meanings? Will I be a good enough writer to garner that type of attention?








I've wondered that...

Day 17: Family

Families are crazy! I decided long ago that families are absolutely strange...but I think that's what makes them so wonderful. There are so many different dynamics and personalities surrounding one another. It's exciting and unique and a wonderful institution. I'm grateful for my family.

Today, the kids have been rather rambunctious and loud and cranky...and all sorts of different things. But for the life of me, and despite the frustrations that it can cause, I would never have it any other way. I love my children and I love everything about them. I love Hannah's sweet attempts at trying to be such a big girl. I love Liam's sweet nature and fun, adventurous attitude. And I love Hudson's sweet smile and cheerful nature. My children are so amazing. I'm so thankful to have them. And I hope that I can be worthy for them and teach the what Heavenly Father would have me teach them.

Day 16: Something I'm grateful for

I've come to realize today that I have so many things that I am grateful for. One thing in particular that I am grateful for is my husband. I'm so grateful for all the things that he has done for me. I'm grateful for the unconditional love that he has for me and the joy that he brings to my life. When life gets tough, he's there to boost my spirit. I'm so grateful for the example he sets for me. His determination at his job and his desire to provide a good life for his family is admirable. I'm so thankful to have him.

I love you Jonathan

Day 15: Christ-like love

I've been thinking a lot today about the Savior and the love that he has for each of us. I tend to get down on myself about my shortcomings. I expect to be perfect and to always say and do the right things and when that doesn't happen I feel as though I've failed. Now this isn't a result of any sort of trauma in my life, this belief in perfection is actually a very common mentality among women, I've come to find. We expect so much out of ourselves that when we don't live up to those expectations, we're our worst critics and feel rather stupid.

At any rate, it'snot wodner that sometimes we can become so down-trodden and depressed! Now this brought me to the thought that perhaps I need to take a more Christ-like approach to how I view myself. Initially I never really thought that I wasn't being fair to myself. I just expected to work harder and always be better. But I've come to realize that I never truly forgive myself for the mistakes that I make. I don't allow myself to move forward at times, and I hold myself back with such a stubborn attitude. The funny thing is, is that I'd never even think to act like that towards another person...kinda ironic eh? Well I've realized that I'm not being Christ-like to myself. I'm not having that love towards myself and an understanding that I'm not perfect and that Heavenly Father loves me even despite that fact. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He merely wants me to TRY. That's the key to it all. To simply try my best and pray and keep him in my heart is the key to success! I'm such a dunce sometimes!

So today, I decided to devote myself to seeing the good, not only in the world, but also in me. Sure there are things I'd like to change about me (*cough* baby weight *cough*) but I'm not going to become hard on myself and bring my spiritual appreciation for myself down. I'll continually strive to build myself and others up constantly. I think that's what Christ would want me to do, don't you?

Day 14: Bowling

We took the kids bowling this evening (Jonathan had an early day of work) and they had a blast! Hannah actually beat us terribly at the game. She scored well over two hundred points and I barely made it over one hundred! Talk about embarassing! And Liam was not far behind Hannah's score. So I was the loser of the family tonight! But that's alright. It was fun to watch my babies have a blast at the bowling alley.

Thankfully, because of their little adventure at the bowling lanes, they were rather tuckered out and went to sleep quite willingly. Yay! It was an easy evening! And I'm so thankful for that! It's been a long day! I'm almost ready for bed!

Day 13: What I wish...

Sometimes I wish I had more time to do everything that I'd like. I love spending time with my kids, but sometimes I wish I could have more time to spend with them! I want to always sit down and have time to write but then a million other things pull me way. I often feel bad about things not getting done and my time being eaten up, but alas there isn't much I can do about it. I just need to stay in a good relationship with my children and help them to know how much I love them. That's the most important thing to me.

I just hope I can be good enough to meet the challenge.

Day 12: I'm bushed!

Well, this is going to be a rather short and boring post I'll have to say. I'm simply too tired to come up with something remotely interesting to write. I will give you a recap of the day: The kids were super cranky today. Liam didn't want to take a nap and took his diaper off four separate times. Hannah didn't end up taking a nap, but beyond that she refused to use the batheroom like a big girl. She threw and absolute fit about it. It's a little frustrating to say the least! But they are funny and sweet kids and I love them to pieces! We'll just have to see how tomorrow goes, eh?

Also, I"m still working on my novel. I will get it done! I'm detemrined! :) And soon enough the semester will be ending and then I'll have a little more freetime to get some serious writing down.

Alright, it's bedtime for me

See ya!

Day 11: Wondering

Today has been a long day to say the least! I'm already exhausted but also excited about life. Things are going well...we've started looking for a three bedroom apartment to move into whenever the time is right...three kids makes the need for more room! But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm grateful to have such amazing children.

Also, a note of excitement for you all: my brother just submitted his mission papers! Needless to say I'm so excited for him. He's such a good kid and I'm really proud of him and his desire to want to go on a mission. I know he's going to do amazing...now all we have to do is wait and speculate as to where he's going! Any guesses?

Also I've been doing a lot of thinking...I've been think about my life and my dreams...I've always dreamt about becoming a writer. I love writing. I love creating something from my imagination...I love being able to express myself through words...but sometimes I get frustrated and down on myself. I doubt that I can do this. I don't think that anyone would really be interested in my writing...and the process of finding someone and getting the novel published seems insurmountable at times...it's enough to bring you to the brink of insanity and really depress you. It's a hard process to go through.

But I know that if I just keep trying I'll be happy. No matter what happens in my writing career I know that I will only be happy if I write. Writing to me is an expression of the soul. I know that as long as I keep writing I'll be living my dream...ultimately yes it would be nice to be published, but in the end it doesn't really matter. I write because I want to, not because I want money...I write because it's my passion.

And that's all I've got to say on that!

Day 10: Snowy Monday

Well it's Monday again...what can I say other than I already wish that it was Friday! I'm beat already. I had an essay and a test due today not to mention a few other minor assignments. But I'm still beat. I even fell asleep on the couch this afternoon with Hudson. What a day!

And on top of that it's been snowing in an absurdly annoying manner. Add on to that the fact that Jonathan locked his keys inside is RUNNING car and couldn't get a hold of a locksmith to come bail him out so I had to drive up to West Valley to go and recue him...needless to say I HATE driving in the snow...I absolutely HATE IT!

But onto more exciting things. Today while I was studying for my test Hudson started squealing to get my attention. When I looked down at hm he was grinning and wiggling like crazy. It was adorable to see his big dimples and happy face. And then Hannah and Liam tried playing with their young brother and the three of them just melted my heart! They were all smiling and Hudson was squealing and Hannah and Liam were giggling. It was wonderful...it really makes me happy to be their mother when I see things like that. I love it...

Tomorrow I intend to take a nap however. We'll see if the kids are as happy as they were today. Let's hope so!

But until then...Au Revoir!

Day 9: School, Life, and Trying to Keep Up

I'm excited to write before I fall asleep again. I don't want to renig on this attempt to write every day and I sincerely hope that I can continue doing so...

Well to say that this Sunday has been as restful as I would have liked it...I've been insanely busy and the children have been less than happy...but that's what happens when your church is at one in the afternoon (right when it is nap time around here)...but I shall not complain. Life is going well and I'm happy.

I will say however, that I am feeling the pressure today. I realized that I don't have much longer left with this semester and for that I am rather thankful. After this semester is over however I've decided to continue on for the spring and summer semesters as well. Many people think I'm crazy and sometimes I may agree with them. Most people don't understand how I'm able to be a mother and a student at the same time and I have to agree with that assessment. I don't understand it myself most days. But what I've come to find out is that I don't really think about it too much. Graduating from BYU has been a goal of mine for many years now and I know that in the long run it will be what is best for my family. It is important to me to do this. Not only to show I am capable of doing something, but to show my children that anything is possible. They are the ones that I'm doing this for now. They are my inspiration and I will do all that I can to show them that I want to be the best mother I can for them.

A saying I try to remember is this: "I never said it would be easy...I only said it would be worth it." That's my motto in every aspect of who I am. I know that it won't always be easy to be a mother or to be a student or a writer and a mother and a student or whatever else may come my way, but I know that the Lord is looking out for me and that I can accomplish things and be the person that I want to. It is worth it. It may not be easy, but it is worth it.

Day 8: Blogger Fail

Like it or not, I have, unfortunately, missed a day in my blogging...but here's the excuse...I had every intention of writing in my blogs last night, but then at 2:30 I woke up startled...apparently I had fallen asleep on the couch and my husband neglected to wake me up! So not only did I not get all of my homework done, but I forgot to blog...alas I have failed...I can offer no other reasoning behind missing a post, but I promise to be more diligent in writing...I'll be posting again later tonight (barring any unforseen sleep attacks that is...) So until then...

Day 7: Fires, and Failed Foods

Well, today was interesting to say the least...but before I get to that forgive me for the proceedingly short post. I have a migraine and am getting rather tired. So, anyway, yeah...

As I said before, today was interesting. In an attempt to bake something for my english class, I managed to overflow the desserts I was making and consequently started a fire in my oven...it was quite the sight to see I  must say. Poor Jonathan. He must have thought I was completely incompitent. Ah well...the really ironic thing was, was that I was sitting there and stating that I felt like Julia Child with my wonderful cooking prowess...talk about a humbling experience eh?

The kids this week have been rather difficult. Hudson hasn't been feeling well and has been excessively cranky. Poor kid. I feel rather sorry for him. I think it has to do with the shots he received last week at his two month appointment. Let's just hope that this coming week will be much better. And Hannah has been getting better about going potty like a big girl, though it is a great work in progress...and Liam? Well Liam and I have been having difficulties this week. He's been far too curious and getting into far too many things, but he's a sweetheart and I know that the terrible twos will be just a passing moment that will get better in time...hopefully.

Anyway, I'm going to get ready for bed...after I try to get some studying done...maybe...we shall see...

Until tomorrow...

Day 6: I'm Blessed.

Plain and simple: I'm blessed with an amazing family.They are so sweet and cute and amazingly wonderful. I truly am blessed to have them in my life.

It's nice to try and sit down everyday and write a little bit on my blogs. I need to stay on track and keep updating. It's kind of nice to write how I feel. Even if it is a littly tiny bit right now....but I'm tired, so it's off to bed with me soon!

Day 5: Struggling

I'd be an untrue blogger if I only wrote about happy things and lied to you readers. That's not fair and I don't think that it is true to the integrity of what I'm trying to. My blog is meant to keep my friends and family informed about the lives of my little family here in Provo and I hope that I do that. I want people to see and know how we are feeling and what we are doing.

So today I'd like to talk about my children. Yes I know this is nothing new. But what I want to talk about is how unfairly blessed I think I've been and how ungrateful I've been today. Heavenly Father truly blessed my life by giving me three amazing children. I really couldn't ask for more than that and yet he never ceases to bless me. It's amazing to observe the amount of love that I receive from my three little children. And it's amazing to see how much love the exude towards others. I feel so honored to be there mother, though very inadequate. Today, I wasn't as patient with my darling daughter as I should have been. I snapped at her and was not very kind. And it took me a few minutes to apologize to her. I was in the wrong completely and utterly. And I feel terrible about it. Here I've been so blessed with amazing children and I go and snap at them. Talk about unfair! I don't feel as though I deserve my children. They are so good and most of the time I don't feel like I will ever measure up to the standard that I need to be at in order to be a good parent to them.

Sorry for being so depressing, but my heart wishes to much to be a good mother and I want to show my children how much I care about them. I hate it when I slip up and make mistakes and I know that I need to try harder to be better for. Some days, though, it can get under my skin and make me sad. Like today...

Day 4: Thinking...

Today Jonathan had to go to the emergency room. He swallowed some medicine and a pill got lodged in his trachea, causing him to wheeze. Thankfully he's alright but we have to watchin him tonight and then call the pulmonary specialist tomorrow morning. That way, if he is still having trouble he will have to have a camera placed down his throat to remove the pill. Right now he's feeling a little bit better, but he's still in some pain...we shall wait and see.

Also, today, I've been thinking...and not just ruminating about small things...I'm thinking about a lot of things lately...like my purpose...my goals...my talents...my family...so many thoughts keep running through my head and they cause me to feel so many different emotions sometimes it's hard to stabilize my thoughts and keep myself from freaking out...do I sound crazy yet? Sorry...anyway, add my emotions to those of the characters that I'm working on in my novel and you have one very complicated set of emotions running around...it can get confusing and interestingly odd. Have I confused you? Probably...

Anyway, I'm really happy...honest! My children are wonderful and I love them dearly. Jonathan is happy and healthy and I'm grateful to have him. I'm grateful for so many things and I have so much to love and so many people who I love. I truly feel so blessed.