And So It Begins

First of all, forgive me if this post is rather random and unusual....and I mean even for me. But, there are thoughts swirling around in my head that I just can't seem to shake.

As of yesterday I reached 30 weeks in my pregnancy. What a milestone to be at already! And I confess that as I've reached this time in pregnancy, my fears and thoughts have centered on the coming few weeks and how close everything is. I've had my daydreams of course about this little guy: what will he look like? How much hair will he have? Will he be a happy baby? Will he have my eyes or Jonathan's? What will his personality be like?

But I've also had many fears and worries about this pregnancy and delivery too. I suppose it has to do with the fact that I"ve been dealing with a two vessel cord instead of a three. And while it hasn't been a big deal thus far, it's just got me paranoid and nervous (though I believe all mothers go through those feelings no matter how many times they've dealt with things). I've wondered if my baby will be healthy and how big he will be. Will he need any extra help during the delivery? Will labor progress well? Will he be safe?

And while I'm trying not to worry about things, I find that sometimes it's hard. When you're home with two little children, without someone there to convey your feelings to, it can sometimes become overwhelming. And to top it off I have fears about when I actually do go into labor...yes I realize that I'm paranoid, but it can't be helped! I fear that either Jonathan won't be home and my water will break and no one will be able to watch the kids for me. Or, that I'll go into labor and no one will be in the delivery room with me because Jonathan had to stay home and watch the kid. Or, that I won't be able to get a hold of Jonathan and my mom won't be able to make it up to be a support and I'll be alone in the delivery room with no family. And then there are the scenarios of going Christmas shopping and having my water break in the middle of the store! How embarassing!

And then my thoughts have wandered to the idea of not being a good enough mother. Will I be able to handle this little guy? Will I be the mother Heavenly Father wants me to be? Will I teach my children well? Will I show them the love they deserve?

Yeah kinda depressing isn't it? But I really need to not dwell on the all the what-ifs. I need to focus on preparing to be a mother and strive to keep Heavenly Father with me in thoughts and prayers. I'll need him these next few weeks as non-stress tests begin and the countdown winds to a close.

I just need to say how grateful I am for all the love and support I've received these last few months from dear friends and family. The encouragement that I've come to receive has been astounding and I'm so humbled by it and so grateful for it. Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. I love you all and am so appreciative of all you do for me.

Why Kaleigh Will Never Be a Dancer...

Alas, as hurtful as the title is, it is quite true...I Kaleigh, will never ever be a dancer. And for good reason I might add...though perhaps I'll let you be the judge:


1. The other day as I was putting the kids to bed, I turned and kicked my metal Eiffel Tower statue that Hannah had dropped on the floor. I succeeded in cutting my toe open.


2. I tripped the other day trying to go to bed and ran into our laundry basket. Though I wasn't harmed, it was rather embarassing for me.


3. Yesterday I ran into a piece of my blowdryer (yes I said blowdryer) and succeeded in cutting my other foot open...and believe me it hurt.


4. Today, I stepped on a prickly, pokey, piece of a plant from the tree in our front yard and got it stuck to my foot. I couldnt' get it off for a few seconds and proceeded to step on it more than once...all I can say is ouch!


5. Also today, I ran into my oven and splashed some hot water on myself...


6. And for my final performance today, I tripped over a shoe in our living room and ran into the couch.


Now you tell me if I should be a dancer or not....


I'd wager you are voting in the negative...and that's alright because I've come to realize that some dreams will never come true...hehe...or to phrase it better, some dreams shouldn't come true. Imagine me as a dance...this comes to mind:

Thinking...

Well this week seems to be flying by really fast...I can hardly find a moment to breathe! But in a good way I suppose...at least I'm staying busy. But despite all the busy-ness that I've been handling lately, I've also been afforded quite a bit of time to ponder and think about my life.

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. It was the dreaded glucose test...*shudder* but I was also afforded the luxury, I suppose I should say, of having another ultrasound to check on little Hudson. Rest assured he is doing wonderfully and growing at a lovely rate...not to mention the fact that he is an extremely active little guy who loves to roll and kick and wiggle in my tummy...that's what he's doing right now...

And being able to experience pregnancy again started me thinking about my life. I admit this pregnancy was a bit of a shock to me when we first found out and I was nervous about how we'd make it through things, especially since we had agreed that we wanted to wait to have another baby...but it would seem the Lord had other plans in mind...and I realized quickly, that I was actually happy about welcoming another baby. And I've also come to realize just how much I need my children in my life. I need to see those delicate little faces with those big smiles and I need to be able to hold those tiny hands and kiss scraped knees. I need to cuddle my babies and clean up their messes...I need them in my life. And I think the Lord understood that...far better than I did when I first found out that I was expecting again...

Something else I've realized a great deal this week is how at peace I feel right now in my life. Things aren't always going perfectly and we have hiccups in our life and trials we need to face, but lately I feel so grateful for all that I've been blessed with. I feel so much peace and calm right now. I feel love from my friends, family, and my Heavenly Father. Thank you to all who have touched my life with your kindness and love. I truly and honestly cherish and appreciate you. This is what life is for and about...and I wouldn't change my relationships with you for anything...

Updating...

I haven't updated in a little while so I think it is time that I catch you up on all the dealings that I've been participating in as of late...
This past week I celebrated my 23rd birthday...sheesh that makes me feel old! hehe...but despite feeling old it was a rather good day. Briana watched the kids for Jonathan and I and I was able to be taken out to dinner by my loving husband. He, and Hannah, also baked me a birthday cake and decorated it, complete with princess candles. But other than that, it was a rather quiet day which was kind of nice. I was able to spend time with the people that I love. I was wished happy birthday by so many wonderful friends and family, and I just need to thank all of you for your love!

Later in the week, we did take the kids up to Thanksgiving Point to Cornbelly's Corn Maze and they had a blast there!


There were so many different things to do! The kids were able to climb on hay and wander around playgrounds. They also watched a pig show and we ate popcorn and watched people attempt to ride a mechanical bull. We even attempted the corn maze with the two little toddlers...and I am amazed and happy to report that we actually finished it 15 minutes faster than the estimated time it took! Hannah was our little leader and thankfully she has an excellent sense of direction, much like her father. And as a reward for their great maze exploration skills, Hannah received a princess crown and Liam a pirate hat. And by the time we got home, the children and I were completely exhausted! Liam even tried to put himself to bed! But I am happy that they had such a fun time and I will certainly take them back!
And, as for the future, the month of November will be a test of my sanity...

Call me crazy...in fact I'll do that myself...I do believe I can be considered quite crazy for attempting to do this...
Thanks to the encouragment from a friend, I am attempting to participated in NaNoWriMo...or National Novel Writer's Month...which consists of writing 50,000 words of a novel in the month of November alone...sounds insane doesn't it? But at the same time it sounds rather interesting. I mean how many people would agree to write 50,000 words in one month? I'm rather excited about it and really motivated to attempt to complete the challenge...
Something I've been debating, however, is whether or not to rewrite the whole novel that I have already gotten complete. That's something I will have to debate and mull over and finally decide on before November actually begins.
Something, that I have determined, is that I believe that my novel will end up being longer than the 50,000 words that are the "requirements" for the challenge. That being said, if I can get to that 50,000 mark and see how the novel is faring, all in the space of one month, then I will be in a good frame of mind! Wouldn't you agree?


All the same, wish me luck! I hope to keep my sanity this next month!

Introspective...

With General Conference this past weekend and the General Relief Society Broadcast the previous week, I've had a lot of time to sit and contemplate...sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Lately I've been thinking about my personal life: my relationships, my aspirations, my goals, my talents...anything that I can have an influence on or that can have an influence on me. The questions come to my mind: am I worth anything in this world? Do my peers and family see me as something of value? Do I hold any significance in the life I live and the relationships that I have? Have I had an influence for the better on my or would I hardly be missed if I were not there?

It's hard for me to answer these questions sometimes. Being a perfectionist, I very often see the faults in myself glaring back at me. I can pinpoint every failure and every mistake that I make in my life. I can recall each time that I've been less than what I should be, or what I expect myself to be, which is perfect. And that's a hard line to tread.

Many times I've felt like a bad mother and wife. I don't always show patience towards my spouse and my children. I don't feel as though I've done my part to take care of them to best of my abilities. I make mistakes and I know when I'm not in tune with the spirit of the Lord. Many times I've also felt like a disappointment as a friend and daughter. There are so many times when I've felt as though I've let someone down or I haven't done everything that I could have to help another. I often times feel as though I haven't measured up to beauty and example of the Savior.

I know for certain that I will never be perfect. I know that I can never attain that in this life and sometimes it is hard for me bear. But recently, in talking to my dear friends, family, and listening to the sweet message from the Prophet, and in my own personal study of the scriptures and in my prayers my heart has been touched and softened towards myself. I realize that I'm my harshest critic. I expect so many things of myself and when I don't live up to those expectations I feel like a failure. And this is Satan working to bring me down and discourage me from striving to be better. Some days he succeeds and I have moments where I break down and sob. But many days, I grab a hold of the Lord's teachings and I cling to the knowledge that he loves me, and somehow, things are okay and I feel a sense of peace.

Something that struck me recently was the statement that one of the church leaders gave. He stated: "The Lord doesn't expect us to be perfect. He doesn't expect us to never make mistakes. All that he expects of us is to strive to be our best and then he will be there for us. He will bless us and he will make up the difference."

Those words are so powerful! I need to have the faith that my Savior really is there for me. I'm no less important than anyone else in this world. I do have a purpose and I do have the opportunity to feel the love of the Lord in my heart. He can take my pain and my burdens and all my imperfections and help me. If I but have the faith. FEAR is the opposite of FAITH.

And I noticed that so many of the talks during conference were about faith. We all need more faith. We need faith to overcome trials in our lives. But, we also need to have faith to overcome our frail, human feelings of insecurities and dispair. We need to have faith to overcome the cunning words of Satan, for that is what they are! Satan works hard to bring us down and discourage us. My bishop stated it this way: "So many times the sisters of the church work so hard in their lives and strive to do so much and it is astonishing. But, I never realized that Satan is sitting on your shoulder whispering: you could have done better; you aren't good enough; you could have done more; sorry it will never be enough."

I have made the committment to strive to look to the Lord more; to increase my faith and cast off my fears. To trust him more and strive to be a better person each day. I have made the promise to not become discouraged when I find myself falling short of my goals and understand that I will not be perfect, but if I strive to do all that I can, that the Lord will bless me and I will have a increase in peace and comfort from him. If I seek him, I know that he will guide and direct me in all things.

I am so grateful that I have a connection such as that to hold onto. I am so thankful for all the many friends and family who act as the Lord's angels and bring me such comfort and joy. I am thankful for the blessings that have been poured out upon me so freely. I feel so much love and gratitude for the joys of my life and I feel so honored and blessed to have been given the opportunity to be a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. I love each and every one of you who have touched my life and have helped me to become the person I am today. Thank you for your love and support. I love you all and appreciate who you are and what you have done for me.

THE MASTER TOUCH
DISCOURAGED AND ALONE, WE'RE NOT EASILY CONSOLED


THE SCHOOL OF LIFE GETS DIFFICULT, JUST AS WE WERE TOLD.
 DOUBT SHRINKS US AT THE THRESHOLD OF THE DARKENED WAY,


DESPAIR CREEPS IN UPON US AND IS HARD TO KEEP AT BAY.
 LIGHT NOW DIMS AS THE SHADOWS GROW IN LENGTH


HEAVINESS ENGULFS US; WE STOP TO PRAY FOR STRENGTH.

IT SEEMS WE'RE GOING NOWHER; LIFE'S A DEAD END STREET,


RELIEF IS WHAT WE PLEAD FOR, WHEN IT ALL FEELS LIKE DEFEAT!

THE FUN HAS DISAPPEARED; DROPPING OUT IS ON OUR MIND,


THE TEST HAS OVERWHELMED US, THE ANSWERS HARD TO FIND
 IN THESE TRYING MOMENTS WE MUST STOP AND BE SO STILL


THAT WE CAN FEEL HIS PROMPTINGS AND KNOW THAT THEY ARE REAL

ONLY THEN CAN WE BE READY TO SENSE THE MASTER'S TOUCH,


TO KNOW HE'S ALWAYS THERE AND THAT HE LOVES US VERY MUCH!

HE KNOW JUST HOW WE FEEL HE'S BEEN THIS WAY BEFORE,


HE'S ALSO CLIMBED THESE STEP HE'S WALKED THIS CORRIDOR

HE IS OUR TENDER TUTOR SENT HERE TO BE OUR GUIDE,


ALL WISDOM OPENS TO US WHEN HE IS BY OUR SIDE.

EARTH'S HALLS ARE NOT SO DIM WHEN THE MASTER LIGHTS THE WAY,


HE REVEALS A "WORLD OF WONDER" THAT BRINGS JOY THROUGHOUT OUR STAY.

HAND IN HAND HE'LL LEAD US TO A LIFE THAT NEVER ENDS,


TO A BRIGHTER DAY IN A WORLD UNSEEN, TOGETHER ETERNAL FRIENDS.






COPYRIGHT GREG OLSEN 2010