Bear with me. This is going to be a very honest blog post because...well...I just feel like I need to share a few personal thoughts today.
Let me start by stating that I'm a perfectionist through and through. I know that I struggle sometimes to reconcile my imperfections with the reality that I don't NEED to be perfect in order to be a good person. But, you know, sometimes it's hard to realize that your best is still not THE best. Does that make sense?
Of course this imperfection has led to some critical thoughts about myself. Honestly, I sometimes look in the mirror and cringe at what I see. I'm not particularly accepting of my appearance, specifically my eyes. And if you know me, you know why.
But for those of you who DON'T know or have overlooked, let me clarify.
I have ambylopia and strabismus which prevent my eyes from aligning properly. In basic English, one eye is focused slightly to side while the other gazes straight ahead.
People like to call it a lazy eye.
Believe me when I say that I hate that term.
My problem is that my eyes actually switch off on which one is focusing at a time. One eye focuses too much while the other focuses too little. So I only see out of one eye at a time.
Weird right?
This is a major reason why I don't like MY picture being taken and I really don't like to see pictures of me. I feel awkward and out of place...
Anyway, this has made me extremely self-conscious and judgmental of my appearance. I'd by lying if I didn't say that sometimes I'd look at my beautiful, gorgeous sisters, and wish that I was more like them.
SEE?! Aren't they beautiful?
They don't have this problem. They're perfect. They're gorgeous and what am I?
'Second rate. Unattractive. Ugly.'-my mind loves to whisper.
Seriously have you met my sisters? They're tall and beautiful and I just look at them and I feel so...so...
plain. And short. Definitely short.
And that's not their fault at all. My sisters always tell me how pretty ALL of us are, including me, and how it's not possible for anyone in our family to believe they are unattractive because our parents are so amazingly good looking (which is true). And Jonathan tells me all the time how I'm the most beautiful person he's ever seen and it makes me smile (and cry a little I admit)
But the doubt still niggles at the back of my mind alway resurfacing at my vulnerable moments.
Their kind words don't change the confused looks I get when I go grocery shopping and the cashier looks behind them to see what I'm looking at. And their kind words don't stop people from asking 'what's wrong with my eyes' or 'what am I looking at' or 'Did you know that you aren't focusing on me?'
The worst is when people look at me and then avert their eyes so they don't have to acknowledge there's a problem.
When I was a child, I even had my peers run away from me, giggling and teasing about my eyes and how I looked so strange.
It does wonders for the self esteem. (heavy sarcasm implied here)
Now this isn't supposed to be a depressing post. In fact, there is a great moral to this story.
These experiences have taught me a lot about myself and about others.
One of these things is that I really really need to stop judging myself so harshly. And I really need to stop thinking that I'm not beautiful in my own way. God created me in his own image. He created my body. And God never creates sometime ugly. All his creations exude beauty and light and joy. I need to love myself and be happy with who I am.
I am beautiful. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
Another thing I've learned through the years is that you cannot understand a person's life merely by their appearance. You don't see all the unique qualities they possess or the trials they've experienced. It is best, then, not to judge, and focus instead on loving others for WHO they are.
I've always taken great comfort in this scripture:
1 Samuel 16:7: "For the Lord said, Look not on his countenance or the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for The LORD seeth not as a man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the HEART."
Let me start by stating that I'm a perfectionist through and through. I know that I struggle sometimes to reconcile my imperfections with the reality that I don't NEED to be perfect in order to be a good person. But, you know, sometimes it's hard to realize that your best is still not THE best. Does that make sense?
Of course this imperfection has led to some critical thoughts about myself. Honestly, I sometimes look in the mirror and cringe at what I see. I'm not particularly accepting of my appearance, specifically my eyes. And if you know me, you know why.
But for those of you who DON'T know or have overlooked, let me clarify.
I have ambylopia and strabismus which prevent my eyes from aligning properly. In basic English, one eye is focused slightly to side while the other gazes straight ahead.
People like to call it a lazy eye.
Believe me when I say that I hate that term.
My problem is that my eyes actually switch off on which one is focusing at a time. One eye focuses too much while the other focuses too little. So I only see out of one eye at a time.
Weird right?
This is a major reason why I don't like MY picture being taken and I really don't like to see pictures of me. I feel awkward and out of place...
Anyway, this has made me extremely self-conscious and judgmental of my appearance. I'd by lying if I didn't say that sometimes I'd look at my beautiful, gorgeous sisters, and wish that I was more like them.
SEE?! Aren't they beautiful?
They don't have this problem. They're perfect. They're gorgeous and what am I?
'Second rate. Unattractive. Ugly.'-my mind loves to whisper.
Seriously have you met my sisters? They're tall and beautiful and I just look at them and I feel so...so...
plain. And short. Definitely short.
And that's not their fault at all. My sisters always tell me how pretty ALL of us are, including me, and how it's not possible for anyone in our family to believe they are unattractive because our parents are so amazingly good looking (which is true). And Jonathan tells me all the time how I'm the most beautiful person he's ever seen and it makes me smile (and cry a little I admit)
But the doubt still niggles at the back of my mind alway resurfacing at my vulnerable moments.
Their kind words don't change the confused looks I get when I go grocery shopping and the cashier looks behind them to see what I'm looking at. And their kind words don't stop people from asking 'what's wrong with my eyes' or 'what am I looking at' or 'Did you know that you aren't focusing on me?'
The worst is when people look at me and then avert their eyes so they don't have to acknowledge there's a problem.
When I was a child, I even had my peers run away from me, giggling and teasing about my eyes and how I looked so strange.
It does wonders for the self esteem. (heavy sarcasm implied here)
Now this isn't supposed to be a depressing post. In fact, there is a great moral to this story.
These experiences have taught me a lot about myself and about others.
One of these things is that I really really need to stop judging myself so harshly. And I really need to stop thinking that I'm not beautiful in my own way. God created me in his own image. He created my body. And God never creates sometime ugly. All his creations exude beauty and light and joy. I need to love myself and be happy with who I am.
I am beautiful. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
Another thing I've learned through the years is that you cannot understand a person's life merely by their appearance. You don't see all the unique qualities they possess or the trials they've experienced. It is best, then, not to judge, and focus instead on loving others for WHO they are.
I've always taken great comfort in this scripture:
1 Samuel 16:7: "For the Lord said, Look not on his countenance or the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for The LORD seeth not as a man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the HEART."
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