And So It Begins

First of all, forgive me if this post is rather random and unusual....and I mean even for me. But, there are thoughts swirling around in my head that I just can't seem to shake.

As of yesterday I reached 30 weeks in my pregnancy. What a milestone to be at already! And I confess that as I've reached this time in pregnancy, my fears and thoughts have centered on the coming few weeks and how close everything is. I've had my daydreams of course about this little guy: what will he look like? How much hair will he have? Will he be a happy baby? Will he have my eyes or Jonathan's? What will his personality be like?

But I've also had many fears and worries about this pregnancy and delivery too. I suppose it has to do with the fact that I"ve been dealing with a two vessel cord instead of a three. And while it hasn't been a big deal thus far, it's just got me paranoid and nervous (though I believe all mothers go through those feelings no matter how many times they've dealt with things). I've wondered if my baby will be healthy and how big he will be. Will he need any extra help during the delivery? Will labor progress well? Will he be safe?

And while I'm trying not to worry about things, I find that sometimes it's hard. When you're home with two little children, without someone there to convey your feelings to, it can sometimes become overwhelming. And to top it off I have fears about when I actually do go into labor...yes I realize that I'm paranoid, but it can't be helped! I fear that either Jonathan won't be home and my water will break and no one will be able to watch the kids for me. Or, that I'll go into labor and no one will be in the delivery room with me because Jonathan had to stay home and watch the kid. Or, that I won't be able to get a hold of Jonathan and my mom won't be able to make it up to be a support and I'll be alone in the delivery room with no family. And then there are the scenarios of going Christmas shopping and having my water break in the middle of the store! How embarassing!

And then my thoughts have wandered to the idea of not being a good enough mother. Will I be able to handle this little guy? Will I be the mother Heavenly Father wants me to be? Will I teach my children well? Will I show them the love they deserve?

Yeah kinda depressing isn't it? But I really need to not dwell on the all the what-ifs. I need to focus on preparing to be a mother and strive to keep Heavenly Father with me in thoughts and prayers. I'll need him these next few weeks as non-stress tests begin and the countdown winds to a close.

I just need to say how grateful I am for all the love and support I've received these last few months from dear friends and family. The encouragement that I've come to receive has been astounding and I'm so humbled by it and so grateful for it. Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. I love you all and am so appreciative of all you do for me.