In case you couldn't tell from my title, I'm attempting to wrap my head around several things and reflect on myself as a writer, mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.
I haven't updated my blog in so long. What a tragedy. I usually rely on writing to keep me sane and functioning properly. It is really something I thrive on and something that helps me to cope with the struggles of my life. That's why I find blogging (normally) to be so refreshing. I can say what I need to say and feel so emotionally revamped because I've expressed all my feelings.
So, can you see the need for me to get back into this?
In the last few months there have been so many different things going on in our lives over here at hte Spooner household. Rifts, trials, tribulations, anger, hurt, frustrations, pain, you name it, we've probably experienced it. One thing in particular that's weighed heavily on my mind is the sad prospect that people you truly put your heart out for, crush you and push you aside for selfish reasons. It's always painful to experience moments like that, and I'm sure we've all had those times. For me, the difficult part was trying to wrap my head around the WHY of the actions of others. WHY do those mean things to others? WHY cause pain? WHY strive to push others away and bring pain to their lives?
Our lives were turned upside down because of some of the decisions of other people. And we've struggled to keep our heads above water at moments. I've often been reduced to tears, trying to figure out the many WHYs of the things that have happened, but no answers have come. I've prayed hard to understand and determine the cause of all the problems we've experienced, but the Lord has kindly withheld that information from me.
And these last few months I've struggled with reconciling my pain with the knowledge that I probably won't ever receive those answers. I've felt so lost at moments, scared of the unknown in our lives right now. I'm scared. I don't know how to plan my life right now because everything is so up in the air.
In all honesty, I've felt for a long time that I was the reason for the problems. Maybe if I had been better, then things wouldn't be the way they are right now. I felt like I let down my spouse and children for the longest time.
The thought that has shone through, however, through all the pain, fear, anger, and frustration I've come to fully understand that the Lord loves me. He's always been there for me. He will always take care of me and my family as long as I rely on him. If I trust him with my problems and fears, he'll ease my burdens and make them light. At the end of the day and despite all the selfishness and conceit and anger in this world, the Lord's love can protect me.
The experiences we've had these last few months weren't a result of my failings or my husband's shortcomings. It's not that I wasn't good enough. It's not that I let anyone down and ruined our stable environment. No. At the end of it all, it's about the decisions of others. The key, though, for us to remember is that our little family is the most important thing and if we rely on the Lord, then the rest doesn't matter.
Everything will fall into place.
I haven't updated my blog in so long. What a tragedy. I usually rely on writing to keep me sane and functioning properly. It is really something I thrive on and something that helps me to cope with the struggles of my life. That's why I find blogging (normally) to be so refreshing. I can say what I need to say and feel so emotionally revamped because I've expressed all my feelings.
So, can you see the need for me to get back into this?
In the last few months there have been so many different things going on in our lives over here at hte Spooner household. Rifts, trials, tribulations, anger, hurt, frustrations, pain, you name it, we've probably experienced it. One thing in particular that's weighed heavily on my mind is the sad prospect that people you truly put your heart out for, crush you and push you aside for selfish reasons. It's always painful to experience moments like that, and I'm sure we've all had those times. For me, the difficult part was trying to wrap my head around the WHY of the actions of others. WHY do those mean things to others? WHY cause pain? WHY strive to push others away and bring pain to their lives?
Our lives were turned upside down because of some of the decisions of other people. And we've struggled to keep our heads above water at moments. I've often been reduced to tears, trying to figure out the many WHYs of the things that have happened, but no answers have come. I've prayed hard to understand and determine the cause of all the problems we've experienced, but the Lord has kindly withheld that information from me.
And these last few months I've struggled with reconciling my pain with the knowledge that I probably won't ever receive those answers. I've felt so lost at moments, scared of the unknown in our lives right now. I'm scared. I don't know how to plan my life right now because everything is so up in the air.
In all honesty, I've felt for a long time that I was the reason for the problems. Maybe if I had been better, then things wouldn't be the way they are right now. I felt like I let down my spouse and children for the longest time.
The thought that has shone through, however, through all the pain, fear, anger, and frustration I've come to fully understand that the Lord loves me. He's always been there for me. He will always take care of me and my family as long as I rely on him. If I trust him with my problems and fears, he'll ease my burdens and make them light. At the end of the day and despite all the selfishness and conceit and anger in this world, the Lord's love can protect me.
The experiences we've had these last few months weren't a result of my failings or my husband's shortcomings. It's not that I wasn't good enough. It's not that I let anyone down and ruined our stable environment. No. At the end of it all, it's about the decisions of others. The key, though, for us to remember is that our little family is the most important thing and if we rely on the Lord, then the rest doesn't matter.
Everything will fall into place.
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